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Posts Tagged ‘alcoholism’

I shall imitate the dolphin
And ride the waves of laughter
I will invade the world with joy
and conquer everafter

The song of the greatest whale
is the lullaby of tides
my soul sings in love and hope
who said love’s dead, has lied

I will flow with the water of time
Take care, collect my answers
I shall dream my dreams and own them
My thoughts will soar, like dancers

I’ll shun the deception in the wind
I’ll listen to my heart
I will not weep for days gone by
I’ll not be torn apart

I’ll float upon the world of the sea
Caress and gently rock my soul
Ride the high waves with my love of life
It’s mine, It’s mine, I have it all

By Barbara Thompson

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Just waiting

I will wait for you
until no others wait
I will wait like a sentinel
ever silent, ever watching
I will wait forever
or until the end of time
I will never give up
I will never give in
and next when you look,
when you look around the corner,
looking for a friend
you’ll find me
always waiting, just for you

By Barbara Thompson

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Nothing is perfect

Nothing is perfect, except maybe the stars and snowflakes
And only God may point a finger
You have no right to open my wounds
So go now, please don’t linger
I refuse the guilt you want me to feel
I refuse the hatred you send my way
I refuse the contempt and lack of compassion
I refuse your pity each and every day
The way you behave, breaks my heart
The foolish things you say and do
Look in the mirror, when you judge so harshly
The person looking back, surely can’t be you
I feel as though in a dreamlike trance
In waking, will I be rid of the pain?
I love you more than the sun and the moon
Please bring back the sun, please shut out the rain
I am the walking wounded
I am the broken loser
I’m alive, but really dead
A foolish self abuser

By Barbara Thompson

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Be at peace
Be still
Be one with the world
Be one with your fellow man
Love overwhelmingly
Love everything
Forgive instantly
Let go, Let God
Don’t question nature
Embrace it
Celebrate life
Set your soul on fire
Find fulfilment
Find joy, find happiness
Find the wonder that is you
Protect the weak
Guide the lost
Love the lonely
Be at peace
Be still

By Barbara Thompson

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If making love is the small death
then I now believe the betrayal
by ones emotions is the big one
To find out someone you have adored
for years has feet of clay
To perceive them in what must be the reality like the shattering of glass
To watch someone who always
seemed larger than life
shrink before your eyes, to regress
to crass emotions and endeavours
This is the the ultimate betrayal
This is that loss of love

There is nothing new under the sun
Life is a dress rehearsal
Dream your dream, it can be done
It’s all there for your perusal
One night, the stars dress up for you
Next day a tempest rages
and there’s nothing you can say or do
To turn, torn and dirty pages
This, to shall pass, wise men say
There’s no pain that you can’t bear
It looks, like life is just a cliche
The cloth you cut, is what you’ll wear
Why was I for, what am I living
Cries the heart thats badly broken
What happened to the world forgiving
Has my life been just a forgotten token

I remember so clearly the day I was
Abused
I remember the man, dark hair, moustache
Brown shirt, yellow tie and shiny knife
Seven other children watched in shock
No-one tried to move, scream or help
I remember the police and they scared
Me as much as the man
I remember being seven and I remember
The feeling of being absolutely and totally alone
There were no conversations about it
No-one explained, there was no help
I had nightmares for years
Only in the last years have I
Managed to confront it – The reaction
Was the same, so what, who cares
And I remember, the fear and the
Old guilt that somehow it was my
Own fault
Do we ever get rid of the old shadows
in our lives?
Are we allowed to dine in peace?
The books and and Know-it-alls say yes
But is it really true?

By Barbara Thompson

Footnote: This is the most I have ever heard about the abuse my mother endured, she never spoke of it. I knew something had happened when she was a young girl, but I never knew her age, I never truly knew her pain.  

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When God made me

When God made me he must have laughed
Him, and the angels too
He made me short and rather plain
not lamb, but mutton stew
But he gave me brains and intellect
and a strange bouquet of talent
Blonde hair, blue eyes an upturned nose
and a temper, sometimes violent
He put me on a rocky road, swirling in a storm
but he gave me love and hope and joy
that today still keeps me warm
I realise now, that this small life
has really been a test
to find my faults, my fears, the ways
that I can do my best
So don’t despair, take heed of me
and put your soul to rest
I’m living proof, that when he laughed, he laughed at me, and got it off His chest

By Barbara Thompson

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Gifted, adjective

“having exceptional talent or natural ability”Oxford Dictionary

Alcoholic, noun

“a person suffering from alcoholism” Oxford Dictionary

Mothers Day is coming up and so I’ve been reflecting back on my own experience growing up with my mum. My mum was 4ft 11inches tall, she could sing from the bottom of her boots, paint whimsically, write creatively and helped many a star find their shine. She was a gifted woman, she was an alcoholic and she was my mum.

Dear Mum,

It’s been twelve years since you left. I remember the day so clearly, it was early in the morning, Lel and Rob arrived, they came to tell me that you had died. You went for a nap and never woke up. Jen found you with a smile on your face lying peacefully on your bed, at first she thought you were simply sleeping but then when you didn’t wake up after a while she realised you were gone – you had become my rainbow.

Our relationship was never really an easy one for either of us I think. I needed you but you needed so much more. I don’t really remember you being happy at home, I remember having happy times like when we used to listen to the radio on your bed; Dick Tracy, Squad Cars and Dial-A-Tune, I remember you singing funny songs like Dear Auntie Vera and Ain’t nobody here but us chickens! As I’m writing this I am trying to think of other little anecdotes that I remember from when we were all together – I am sure there are more but I just can’t seem to recall.

You were right to leave when you did, I never begrudged you leaving. You and Dad were not a good fit, you made each other unhappy, you were so different and you fought all the time. I remember pretending to be sad about you separating to friends but deep down I was relieved, there would be less fighting, less stress and less caution. You had so much you wanted to do and Dad was holding you back in ways that I don’t think he or you even realised at the time. I was ten when you left, it hurt when you didn’t ask if I wanted to go with you, it hurt that you only asked Ash , I felt you didn’t want me. I can look back now and in all honesty I am grateful that I didn’t go, I don’t think it would have been the right thing for me and I don’t think it was the right thing for Ash. Your life was big, bold and brash at times – it wasn’t an easy place to raise a child even though I think you thought you were doing the right thing, I know you never meant harm, I know that you loved us even if you found it difficult to be a mother to us.

Since I have had my own children I have realised how difficult it must have been for you, not everyone is maternal, not all women are born to be mothers. There is no hand book to good parenting, there are no fool proof methods of raising a happy child, your own upbringing is proof of that – parenting is hard work and when you are reluctant to play the role it makes it so much harder I am sure. Your demons were so hard for you to deal with and when I looked at you I couldn’t understand, you were creative, talented, intelligent, loved and respected but yet that wasn’t enough you were still unhappy, still sad, still lonely. I know now that you were sick, that you had depression, that you struggled with anxiety, that you probably lived with panic all your life and that your alcoholism consumed you. I wish you had of had the tools, support and guidance to find peace and happiness in your life, I wish you could have forgiven yourself. You did the best with the tools you had and I will always be grateful for that.

I want to thank you for the gifts you have given me, you gave me a belief that everyone equal not matter your colour, heritage or sex, everyone has something special in them even if you have to dig really hard to find it, music is a gift that we should all be grateful for and above all I want to thank you for giving me the gift of acceptance. No one is better than anyone else, no one is more deserving than the next person, everyone has their own history, everyone has their own journey to complete and we are all trying our best to get there.

You brought me every spectrum of the rainbow Mum, there were bright and bold times, there were dark and dull times but you brought colour to my world, you helped make me the person I am today, I am a stronger woman because of you, I am more resilient human being because of you and I am a better mother because of you so thank you Mum, I hope you have found your peace and every time a rainbow graces our sky your granddaughters, Greg and I know you are nearby.

With all my love to you always

Tray

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