Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

UPDATE: 

Just heard back from server support: Domain could take 48 hours to come into affect so I am using the WordPress domain for now.

TRYINGNOTTODISAPPEAR.WORDPRESS.COM

I’ll let you all know when I’m back up on tryingnottodisappear.com

See you soon.

Tracy

 

Hi readers,

I’ve just done a domain name change which should happen soon (if I have done it right) so I may drop out for a little while.

If I do, I’ll be back soon.

See you soon

Tracy

Read Full Post »

Domestic violence, noun

“violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner” ~ Oxford Dictionary love, forgiveness, hope

Until you are there, until you are the one who is lying on the floor being beaten, being kicked, being degraded. Until you are the one who sits while tears flow down his cheeks as he begs for your forgiveness and explains how sorry he is, how much pain he is in and how it will never happen again. Until you are the one who truly believes that you can help, that you can heal this person if you just knew how. Until you have walked in those shoes, be careful not to judge us, be careful not to criticise us.

Rather ~ give love, allow forgiveness and offer hope.

So often you hear of people who are in relationships where domestic violence occurs, this can be physical, mental, emotional or simply neglect and so often you hear people say, why doesn’t he/she leave? Why do they put up with it? I agree, on the face of it, it doesn’t make sense, there’s nothing logical about allowing someone to hit you, swear at you, demean you but yet, so many of us do. You see, it’s just not that simple.

The healthy man does not torture others. Generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers. – Carl Jung

I have been beaten, I have been neglected and I have been mentally and emotionally abused and I stayed. I would describe myself as a strong, intelligent independent women. I know right from wrong, I understand what self-respect is and I know that no-one has the right to harm me, no-one has the right to abuse me, be it physical or mental, but again, I stayed. At the time I believed the stories, I believed that I had provoked the situation, it was my fault. I was strong and independent, I was intelligent and knew my own mind, somehow I made him feel small and insignificant and this was his way of dealing with it. I can’t honestly tell you how many times it happened, it wasn’t more than a handful and I remember always being clear that I needed to make sure he never hit my face (or at least I thought it was me making sure), that way “we” could deal with it in private, “we” could work through it together, no-one would understand – or so I thought. I believed that he was “tortured” and that was why he behaved the way he did. I believed that I could make him “healthy” and in doing so, I could stop the abuse, I could make him a better man. Well, I didn’t’ and in reality, I couldn’t.

I wish I could say I made the decision, I walked away, I was strong enough to say no, but even though I believe I would have reached that point at some stage – it wasn’t how it ended. I had suspected there was someone else, I had a sense that he was cheating on me, but I could never be sure. This carried on for a while and then one evening we all went out, he was drinking, he was drinking Rum & Coke, a drink I now associate with violence and aggression. When we got home, we got into an argument, it ended up with me on the floor and him kicking me, over and over again. At some point it stopped.

The following morning, I had a call from a close friend, she wanted to talk, I knew then that he had been cheating and that it was with my friend. I made the decision to tell her what he had done, I wore clothing so that she could see the angry bruises forming on my body, so that she could see what he had done. She told me she loved him, she told me it was just our relationship. I warned her, but she, like me, felt it would be different for them – she could make him “healthy”. It wasn’t different, it was the same. He beat her as he had beaten me and she married him, she knew and she stayed. It didn’t’ last but I don’t know how it ended, I can only hope that she has found her value, understood her worth and realised her importance.

So yes, he may have been a “tortured” man, he may have had his own demons that led him to be the abusive human being he was, but he had no right to do what he did to me or anyone of the other women in his life, regardless of his pain or unhappiness. And I was wrong to believe I could help him, make him “healthy” or make him “happy”. Regardless of how much a man or woman is tortured, they have no right to torture another.

Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward.  ~ Soren Kierkegaard

I have come to understand that I expected relationships to be bad and so I “chose” to have someone in my life that would affirm that for me, I did this twice and then I gave up. I decided I would rather be alone than be disappointed or be right about how I believed all of my relationships would end up. This wasn’t because I hated myself or because I was weak or unable to believe that I deserved more. It was simply because I didn’t know any better at the time. I think that this is very common in all relationships,often friends and lovers are chosen to meet a need, to fill a void we feel – somehow to make us whole.

But every now and then the universe doesn’t grant our wish and someone comes into our life who doesn’t fit the mould, who is willing to take a risk and share their honesty, who doesn’t tell us what “we want to hear”, someone who will share their love – someone who will stay no matter how much you push them away.  I have been in my current relationship for 17+ years, we have had highs and lows like any other healthy relationship. Over the years and as time goes on we learn more about each other and we work at making our relationship even “healthier” and happier. I believe there is no perfect formula, it is simply trial and error.

What I have learnt: I do know better. I know that a relationship is based on mutual respect, it is based on friendship and acceptance, it is based on love and support, it is based on compromise and negotiation, it requires communication and commitment and it requires a lot of looking after from both sides. I have learnt that no-one has the right to cause me harm, be it physical or mental and I have learnt to trust more deeply, hope more openly and love more freely. But most importantly, I have learnt that I have a voice and I have choice.

Footnote: Making the decision to write and share this post did not come easily. I have two daughters who I am trying to raise into two strong, stable, happy human beings. Every time I share my experiences I stand back and measure the impact that they may or may not have on my daughters. I am proud of the woman I have become, my past has moulded me but it does not define me, it has guided me but it no longer controls me. I believe these are lessons worth sharing with my daughters.

Read Full Post »

Mr Woog Guest Posts.

I came across this post today and thought I would share it on my blog – there will be many out there who can relate. Enjoy this fantastic post!

Read Full Post »

How can a heart feel such pain
Without exploding into a million fragments
How can a soul burn with such fire
Without turning the world to cinders
How many tears have to flow
Before a river is created
My body aches with sadness
My mind is dulled and grey
I am injured by grief and sorrow
How long is this road I tread?
Is there sunshine up ahead?

By Barbara Thompson

Read Full Post »

“See me first and then my disability, or just see me.” – Robert Pio Hajjar

I have a friend who has been given a gift, this gift is filled with joy, filled with innocence, filled with love. this gift is like no other gift, you can’t return it or exchange it, you can’t re-package it or put it in the cupboard to pass on to someone else. This gift is forever. This gift is her son and he has Down syndrome.

In the last year or so I have watched as my friend has been knocked down time and time again by an unforgiving system, (with exception of a few) that doesn’t seem to be able to support her or is unwilling to find ways to do so. Every time she is knocked down, she stands right back up and starts all over again. I can only guess at the mental and emotional resilience required by her and her family to constantly face the negativity, discrimination and inequity that she has to deal with on a daily basis.

In the short time I have known this beautiful boy I have been blessed to experience his unguarded excitement, exuberant affection, focussed determination and heartfelt gentleness. This boy is no better than any other child, he is not perfect,  he doesn’t deserve more than anyone else, he is just like every other little boy and girl. He laughs, learns, plays and gets into mischief just like all the other children.

“I won’t change anything about Archie because he has Down syndrome, I won’t take that away.” ~ Archie & Me

Yes, he does need extra help in school and looking after him requires a little extra vigilance as the sighting of a butterfly might catch his eye and send him running after it onto another adventure. Maybe at times if we could see life through his almond shaped eyes, we could remember the wonder that the world holds and forgive his flights of fancy and thank him for showing us another view. Maybe we could help him on his way to his dreams and we may even be lucky enough to catch some of his magic along the way.


“when people like me are given love, encouragement and opportunity, amazing results are possible” ~ Rober Pio Hajjar – Ideal Way

As an observer in my friends world, I am grateful that she has chosen the long and difficult road of including her son in a mainstream school, in doing so, she opens up our children’s world to learn tolerance, inclusion, compassion and equality and for that I am grateful.

The world is not a perfect place, it is messy, joyful, sad, complicated and colourful, we would all do well to remember that we are only a very small part of what makes up a very big planet for which we all have our own purpose to be on and share.

To my dear friend, your road is long and challenging but you are brave and strong and we will all be by your side as you make your journey. Not only to support you and your family but also to share in the magic that follows you. Thank you for letting us be a part of your son’s life, in doing so, you have shared your precious gift with us.

Read Full Post »

My mothers voice.

Read Full Post »

Nothing is perfect

Nothing is perfect, except maybe the stars and snowflakes
And only God may point a finger
You have no right to open my wounds
So go now, please don’t linger
I refuse the guilt you want me to feel
I refuse the hatred you send my way
I refuse the contempt and lack of compassion
I refuse your pity each and every day
The way you behave, breaks my heart
The foolish things you say and do
Look in the mirror, when you judge so harshly
The person looking back, surely can’t be you
I feel as though in a dreamlike trance
In waking, will I be rid of the pain?
I love you more than the sun and the moon
Please bring back the sun, please shut out the rain
I am the walking wounded
I am the broken loser
I’m alive, but really dead
A foolish self abuser

By Barbara Thompson

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: